Perseverance Defined

Over the past few months, I’ve had several people ask how I developed and maintain my optimism and positive outlook. So, I decided to jump to this topic for the next installment of my blog.

Optimism / positivity is much more than ignoring negative aspects of a situation or looking for the silver lining in situations. And, it’s more than just “spinning” a message. In a recent Leadership Freak blog, Dan Rockwell wrote that “fake it till you make it” thinking will not solve real problems. Pretending everything is fine and that problems naturally go away isn’t a solution. I agree with his assessment.

The Starting Point

As a youth, I developed what I’ll call a critical view of the world. I spent a lot of time looking at what was wrong with the world. You’ve heard the saying, “If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.” Well this summed up my view of how I existed in the world. I worked hard and couldn’t catch a break. I lived most of the time in “Pity City.” And I was really sarcastic in my comments making it difficult for people to get close to me and connect. I figured everyone was working the angles and had a “What’s in it for me” mentality.

The Turning Point

For me, the turning point was more of an evolution over time. First, as with all serious change in people’s lives, I became aware that I had allowed myself to be cynical, negative and sarcastic. This enabled me to start adjusting my behavior. I began to understand that I have choices in my response to situations and I could choose to respond differently.

The second ingredient was surrounding myself with people who were willing to support me during my transformation. The people I choose to be around are positive, lift me up and give honest feedback. Being around them made it much easier to emulate their behavior and thinking. And beyond people, I also consciously choose what I surround myself with, what I listen to and what I pay attention to.

The final piece of the puzzle was to positively affirm who I am and what I do. I accomplish this by recalling / reciting positive affirmations that I write for myself. As I continue this practice, I begin to notice when I exhibit the characteristic of an affirmation, which builds forward momentum. This falls under the old adage that we get what we look for in life.

What I’ve Learned

Every situation has many different perspectives depending upon the lens through which it is seen. I examine situations from different perspectives and choose to view them from a perspective that empowers me, that resonates with who I am and what I value. I also use reframing to put experiences in more useful and empowering frame of reference. Each of us is, after all, in complete control of our attitude and perceptions about situations. We get to choose the attitude and perspective through which we view events. It’s a fact that life happens and some of these events are better than others. Each of us gets to choose how we respond to these events and how we interpret them. This is a powerful lesson.

In the end, to create positive thinking and momentum to move forward, you must do something. Using your creativity to find a suitable solution is a great way to start generating positive thinking. The act of moving forward by considering various solutions, choosing a course of action, moving forward and adjusting your plan as you go will naturally create positive thoughts.

What are your experiences with being optimistic and positive?

What advice would you give to others who are on this journey themselves?

The 2nd installment in my leadership traits series is on the topic of trust. Let’s start our with a couple of definitions:

• Miriam-Websters Dictionary
  • assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
  • one in which confidence is placed
• Dictionary.com
  • reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Nothing surprising there.

For me, trust is that base or foundation for all relationships. The level of trust I have built with other people in my life is bolstered, maintained or torn down every day based on my actions along with an understanding of my motivation. This, in turn, influences the depth of the relationships I have with other people.

So, how does trust relate to personal leadership? Well, can you honestly lead your own life if you lack a deep seated trust of yourself? I doubt it. You must be able to rely on your own integrity, strength, ability and truth. As the level of trust with other people is shaped based on your actions, so to is your trust in yourself.

How do you build trust in yourself? One thing is that you must quiet those voices in your head that rip you down and steal your power. These voices do not serve you in any way even though they often want you to believe that they are there to protect you. Replace these with positive affirmations of your integrity, strength and ability. Start looking for examples in your life where you’ve exhibited these characteristics and use them as anchors that help you build your personal power. And, in situations where you lack trust in yourself, take time to examine why this occurred. Did you lack confidence in your ability? Did you lack the strength in some way? Did you compromise your integrity in some way? Are you reluctant to face your personal truths? Is this a pattern in your life?

Once you begin trusting yourself, you can begin building your transformation. If you have taken time to understand what you want in life and are really aligned with it, you must trust that you would know better than anyone else what you must do to achieve it. Even if you claim to not know, deep down, you do. When I catch myself in a moment of being unsure of what to do next, I ask myself what I would do if I did know what to do. This is trusting yourself enough to move forward.

You must also trust your intuition, your gut, your instincts because they often know things well before you mind has unlocked the logic. In the book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell writes about a firefighter on a call who knew that the fire they were fighting was not responding as expected. Realizing that something wasn’t kosher, he ordered his men out of the building moments before the floor collapsed where they were standing. Trusting your instincts is invaluable.

There’s really no need to be an expert or seek perfection in every aspect of your life. This is trusting that you have the ability to figure things out as you go. A friend once asked me, “Do you I wait for every light to turn green before you start driving your car somewhere?” “Of course not,” I said. He then asked, “why would you wait to have all of the answers before you start pursuing something in your life?” Having a dream or a goal as a destination is sometimes enough. The bigger the goal and the further out in the future it is, the fuzzier the intermediate steps and objectives will be. And, by starting the process of moving towards it, you will be able to validate assumptions and your plans as they unfold. Just as importantly, trust that you’ll have the ability to adapt, to learn as you go, to adjust your plans and to improvise as you move forward. If you encounter some failures along the way, trust that you will learn from the experience and keep moving forward.

In the end, the trust you have with yourself is the foundation upon which you build your relationship with yourself. Developing a high level of trust with yourself is a key dependency in any transformation you want to undertake.

How will you choose to develop trust with yourself? How do you envision building trust with yourself will impact your life?

I’ve been thinking about the transformations that I’ve been privy to see clients and friends achieve in their lives as well as take an outsiders view of my own transformation. Each transformation a person undertakes is a very personal journey. I think of transformations as a person blazing their own trail through the wilderness.

What I’ve noticed as a recurring theme is that one of the keys to a successful transformation is what I’ll call personal leadership. Personal leadership has nothing to do with leading others. Personal leadership is about:

• Taking a leadership role in your own life.
• Having a clear picture of what you want to achieve and what success means to you.
• How you want to “be” while blazing your trail towards achievement and your definition of success.
• Taking personal responsibility for your own life.
• Thoughtfully choosing your response to the world around you, even when your “buttons” get pushed.
• Taking action and moving forward towards the life you want to create for yourself.
• Having the courage to risk failure in the pursuit of your dreams.
• Having the wisdom to apply the learning from your failure.

Some years ago, my friend and mentor, John Voitel, composed a list of leadership characteristics for me. Out of the list he compiled, I extracted items and added some items to create a list that I believe to be applicable to personal leadership. Here’s the list I came up with:

Over the course of the next few months, I’ll be posting my thoughts on these characteristics to help those of you who are looking for support and guidance on your transformative journey. My goal is to provide you with the map and the compass that will support you in navigating to the success you desire.

If you have any suggestions to add to this list, please share them with me. My intention is for this to be a communal gathering of wisdom that we can share with each other as a way to help us all blaze our individual trails as each of us navigates our way towards our unique definition of success.

Recently, the phrase “keeping up with the Jones’”came up during a conversation with a friend of mine. In doing a little research on-line, I found the background interesting. This phrase was the name of a comic strip that started around 1913 where the creator, Arthur R. (“Pop”) Momand, used his experiences of living beyond his means to keep up with his neighbors as the inspiration behind the comic strip (source). So, the gist behind this phrase is that the “Jones’” establish the standard that others strive to meet, whether it be possessions, social status, community involvement, income, position at work, etc.

When this phrase came up in conversation with my friend, it bristled my subconscious, and I began pondering what it really means and whether it serves me in any way. My pondering started out as a indignant…what gives them the right to set the bar? Who gave “the Jones’” the power to set the standard? As I dug deeper, I realized that striving to keep up with the Jones’ would actually ended up defining what success means for me. And, given that we’re all unique, it’s unlikely that their definition of success is the same as mine. By striving to keep up with the Jones’, I realized that I would actually be giving away my power to the Jones’.

Then I realized that this phrase epitomizes the competitive nature of people. Consider the recent economic crisis we face in America. It was brought on in part by consumerism which is fueled by striving to keep up with the Jones’…by envy of or desire for someone else’s possessions. I sometimes notice something “neat” that someone else has, which doesn’t translate to a “need” that I have to own the same thing or one better. It’s this perceived need born out of keeping up with the Jones’ that is part of the underlying reason for the state of the crises we’re working to get out of today.

The book The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute explains the concept of “needing to be seen as …”. Essentially, the concept is that people often want to be seen by others in some light. It may include being seen as an expert, powerful, successful by some measure, intelligent, etc. They then behave in accordance to “needing to be seen as…” instead of who they truly are. And, in turn, they create an internal struggle with themselves between who they really are and how they instinctively should act vs. who they are portraying themselves to be and how they choose to act. And this internal struggle spills over their internal dam and floods the lives of other people because self-justification of their actions takes precedence over doing the right thing.

Here’s an example. In my late teens and early 20s, I had a secret competition with my brother (only I was competing) over who had the nicer car. In a battle of one-up-manship for me, I was looking for the next car to top the car he currently owned. I was unhappy with one of my vehicles because I like fast sporty cars and was driving a ’79 Buick Regal. It took some time for me to figure out that my secret competition with him caused me to purchase a vehicle that I didn’t enjoy driving just because it was “better than” his car in some way. So, my “needing to be seen as” successful via having a better car than my brother caused me to purchase a vehicle that did not satisfy my own needs, desires or definition of success. And, I was dis-satisfied while driving that car for practically the entire time I owned it.

In the end, I know that I must be true to my own definition of success in order to truly transform my life. Yes, my definition of success has changed over the years based on external influences and will likely change again. The key is making a conscious choice about altering my definition of success based on new discoveries and identified needs, not based on competition. By being true to my core values and keeping my definition of success in focus, I’m able to create the transformation that I want in my life.

Think about how keeping up with the Jones’ impacts your life. Has it altered your definition of success? Has it impacted decisions you make and the satisfaction of your life? If so, what will you choose to do to regain control of your life?

[Note:  No Jones' were harmed in the creation of this blog.]

Aztec Sun Stone

As I did in 2009, I am sharing the lessons I learned during 2010 with you. My hope is that you might pick up a kernel of wisdom from this, and that you are inspired to review how 2010 unfolded for you so that you are able to carry the lessons you learned forward in your life.

Without further ado, here’s my 10 from 2010:

1. Goals – I read a blog this year by Leo Babauta that brought to light an interesting perspective on goals. He points out that there are problems with using goals to chart your course through life. What I took away from this blog was to let go of goals that are not serving me, to allow myself more freedom with changing and exchanging my goals and to stop berating myself if I fall short of achieving a goal. Goals need to flow like water in a stream…they flow around obstacles and continue to travel on a path.

2. Life is a Journey – What really hit me this past year was how much of an emotional let down some long-term achievements have been. I’ve had some major events unfold for me in 2010, and my reaction to them really drove home the point that focusing more on the journey rather than the destination in the things I do is critical to enjoying life. This is very much related to goals. What I started doing this year was celebrating the journey itself rather than waiting to achieve the goal to celebrate. For me, this is very related to being in the “now” instead of marching towards a goal without noticing what’s occurring in the moment. This has given me a different perspective and allows me to get greater joy out of my endeavors.

3. Just Get Started – Coming from a project management background, I’ve found myself needing to have all the answers before I start on a project. A friend of mine used the analogy of waiting for all the traffic lights to be green before I start driving my car…it’s unrealistic and conditions are going to change. This past year, I’ve embraced getting started and letting the right path unfold for me. [This is tied closely to Goals and Life is a Journey.] So, I no longer need to have all of the answers in order to start on a new project. Some planning is needed…and I’m OK with letting things develop and evolve as I proceed down a path and learning as I go.

4. Core Value – I identified a new core value for myself this year…physical fitness. I recognized this value because on days where I skipped my exercise routine completely, I was disappointed in myself. With this value now clearly defined, I was able to shed 25 pounds of extra weight I had put on over the past few years and tone my body. This also improved my stamina so I could do more of the things that I enjoy. And, with a healthier body came an improved mental outlook.

5. Instincts - Trusting my instincts and following them more is an expansion on what I learned in 2009. In the Coaches Training Institute certification course I completed, there is an emphasis for coaches to trust their instincts and let go of being logical all of the time. Initially, I was amazed at how spot-on my instincts were when I was coaching a client. Now, I’ve expanded using my instincts more often in all aspects of my life. And, I’ve encouraged other people to do the same.

6. Validation - Validation is one of my favorite short films on YouTube…I highly recommend you take 17 minutes out of your day to watch it. My goal is to have a powerful impact on people’s lives similar to Hugh Newman in this short film. And, by really seeing people for who they are in the moment, I’m able to have that impact. When I see someone do something positive or be positive in some way, I make sure that I tell them about what I observed. It’s a small act that can have a positive impact on people’s lives.

7. Speak my truth more frequently – This is also an expansion on a lesson from 2009. In 2010, I was even more courageous in providing my perspective or view of things in a way that minimized the creation of a negative emotional wake. My ability to do this benefited from journaling to working things out in my mind prior to discussing them with people. And, certainly, there was an element of bleeding off the emotion of the moment in order to get to the heart of the conversation without baggage.

8. Owning “Stuff” is Over-Rated – With the accumulation of “stuff” comes a responsibility to maintaining the “stuff”. In 2010, I realized that owning “stuff” to “keep up with the Jones’” is not a worthwhile pursuit for me. The true treasures for me are the memories created in spending time with others and doing things with others. So, I’ve made the choice to make room for more of the really valuable experiences in my life. You could say I’m dipping my big toe in the minimalist movement to see what it’s like.

9. Leadership – I’ve taken even more leadership in my life. I’m still taking into account the sage advice of my trusted advisors. I’m just taking action more quickly to continue moving forward. There’s less time spent waiting for others to opine on what I’m creating or on my approach, and more “ready, fire, aim” with some of the things I do. And, I’m listening intently to the gift of feedback that I’m receiving from people.

10. Giving an A – In the book “The Art of Possibility” by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander, they introduce the concept of “Giving an A” to people as a way to recognize them for their possibilities rather than measuring them against a standard. Essentially, “Giving an A” to everyone means that there is no comparison or competition between individuals. It’s about recognizing the possibilities for people to live into, not about measuring them against a standard. I’ve worked to incorporate this philosophy into my interactions with people and into my coaching.

There you have it, my 10 lessons from 2010.  What struck you from my lessons?  What do your 10 lessons look like?  I’d love to hear from you.

Here’s wishing you a 2011 filled with an abundance of prosperity, success, good health and fulfillment!

We’ve all been there…working a job that’s uninspiring and that’s mis-aligned with who you want to be and what you want to do with your life. When I’ve been in situations like this in the past, I’ve felt incomplete, uncommitted, unmotivated and uninspired. I felt a dread about going to work…I definitely had a perspective of “have to” vs. a “get to” when it came to going to work. And the same can hold true for your personal life as well.

This quote by Dr. Martha Beck sums it all up for me, “If your happiness and your work aren’t the same thing, you’re doing the wrong work, or working the wrong way. Change.” Seems pretty logical. If you’re not happy with who you are and what you do, make a change. After all, you’re in control of your life. And yet, I find so many people settling for what exists today. Why settle when there are so many opportunities out there?

What I’ve found is that many people have no idea as to what they really want to do with their lives. Most people just haven’t sat down to seriously think about it. If there was a college course for finding what you want to be when you grow up, I missed it. And then, there’s another group of people who know what they really want to do, they simply find excuses to not go after what they want.

What Do You Want To Do?

So, for those of you still settling in life, here are some steps you can take to help you move forward. You must commit yourself to this and spend some time thinking about each question. This is your life we’re talking about here, so it’s OK to take some time to contemplate each question.

1. What gives your life meaning? Perhaps there a cause or a social condition that you’re committed to remedying. Maybe you passion lies in serving others in some way. Remember, it’s quite normal that what gives your life meaning will change as you gain experience in the world. In my case, I am passionate about helping people transform their lives and unleash their potential so they show up bigger in the game of life.
2. What do you enjoy doing? When you think about this question, think about things that energize you, light your passion pyres and enable you to spring out of bed in the morning with great anticipation. For me, it’s opportunities to coach people throughout the day…whether they are clients or someone I meet on the street.
3. What are your core values? Your core values are going to help you determine what you want to do and how you want to do things. Understanding your core values will also enable you to examine whether the way you live your life is aligned with your core values so you can make adjustments if need be. Your core values will also help you determine the type of organization you want to work for or with. Having experienced a misalignment in core values in the past, I can tell you from experience that it’s frustrating and emotionally draining.
4. What are you good at doing? This is important. Remember that you can supplement natural talent and gain skill in something through training and practice. The question is whether your passion will sustain you through all of the doubts that your mental gremlins will use to block your path. You may want to solicit feedback from other people you trust to get their perspective. I actually did a self assessment and had my wife look over what I wrote to add her perspective as well.
5. Where does that leave you? This is a big question to contemplate. I suggest that you mull this question over for a while and discuss it with people in your life whom you trust. Before I started Turning Point Coaching, my wife and I had many conversations about the ramifications of me starting this company. I did some brainstorming. I also talked about this with my coach and with my mentor.
6. What limiting beliefs are holding you back? Now that you have some ideas on what you want to do, what are the gremlins in your head saying? I hear many people tell themselves stories about how they can’t do something…whether it’s finding another job with similar pay & benefits, switching professions, starting their own business, or something else. The reality is that these people are playing the game of life small. And our world, our society, our families and friends all need us to play much bigger.

Leaning In

After getting answers to these questions, it’s time to figure out how you’ll move towards taking back control of your life. You may be able to find an opportunity presents itself quickly for you. Or you may get to lean into your transformation by take things slower by implementing in steps. As for me, I leaned into my transformation. I started out by consciously applying my coaching skills to various situations that presented themselves in everyday life. This afforded me the opportunity to determine if I was really good at coaching and whether I really loved coaching people. As I got more comfortable with coaching, it became a bigger part of who I am and how I interact with people. I’m to the point now where I use my coaching skills in most of my interactions with other people.

My Commitment to You

If you take this process on and you get stuck along the way, I commit to coaching you to help you through any one part of this process for free. No strings, no gimmicks. Just a commitment from me to support you through a portion of this process. Email me at turningptcc@gmail.com if you want to schedule a session.

Monarch Butterfly

I was at a church service recently where the Rev. John Crestwell spoke about transformation.  To paraphrase, he stated that transformation starts by making choices to effect change. The context that he was speaking in was around organizational transformation. And it’s clear to me that this would also apply to individuals as well.

So what’s the big deal, you may ask. You see, I’ve been searching for the right expression of where I want to focus my coaching efforts; who are the people that I want to work with. The reason this struck me so powerfully is, in that moment, I realized that this expressed some of my deep seated beliefs. I believe in the power of transformation and the power of choice. At that moment, I knew this was where I want to focus my coaching.

Why is transformation so important to me? Simply because I am living a life of transformation, and I want to guide, coach and mentor those who are ready to pursue transformation of their lives. You see, back in 2004, a close friend of mine sponsored me to go through Rapport Leadership International’s Leadership Breakthrough 1 training. This training marked the beginning of my transformational journey as a person. Here are a few ways I’ve transformed my life because of this event.

First, this was the first time that someone outside of my family believed in me so strongly and had such faith in my abilities. This, in and of itself, was transformative for me. Yes, my parents and wife all believed in me. It was quite different for me to have a friend invest time, effort and even some money in my future without expecting anything in return…no strings attached. He clearly saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself and didn’t realize that I had in me. That feeling of having great expectations of me AND having someone who believed so steadfastly in me has really shaped my transformation and exemplifies how I want to support others during their transformative journey. This was the beginning of a new chapter of my life. It is the basis for my mission, which is to champion, inspire and stand with people who are ready to transform their professional and personal lives by living at cause and by making conscious choices in pursuit of their self-defined success and fulfillment.

Second, this began a transformative journey for me both professionally and personally in the world. I have taken on positions, taken action and blazed trails that I would never have pursued. I’ve accepted leadership roles at my church, left a job because the culture changed into one that I no longer suited me, took time to realize how I want to give back to make the world a better place to live, completed a rigorous coaching certification process and started my own business in order to achieve that vision. I support my family better because I understand how to stand with people pursuing their goals. And I understand that my definitions of success and fulfillment is unique to me, just as your definitions are unique to you.

Third, one of the greatest lessons I learned was to remain flexible with the plans that I create because life has unexpected twists and turns. I am living a life at cause, where I get to choose my response to what happens in the world, not in effect where I feel powerless to do something and have no choices. The key here is to view the events that unfold from a perspective of possibility, not from a place of things not going according to plan. And, when I’m in a situation where I see no options, I ask for help. It takes courage and fortitude to ask for help; to take a risk in revealing that you haven’t got all the answers; to show yourself as somehow incomplete or not in complete control. What I’ve found from my personal experience is that most people absolutely love to help others!

Fourth, there is no playbook for life and the rules you choose to live by are open to interpretation. At one point in my life, I was given an assignment to complete without being afforded an opportunity to ask really specific questions about the expectations, which had been my default way of working. Sitting alone with no one to ask for guidance, I realized that this was a metaphor for how I lived my life. I realized that sometimes I get to jump into the situation, trust my instincts, be creative in the moment and forget about conforming to rules. And, by conquering my limiting beliefs about not knowing what to do and changing my perspective to “whatever I create is appropriate,” I regained my power and enthusiasm to move forward. I am able to focus on what’s in front of meat that moment instead of focusing on not knowing how to fulfill the assignment.

You can plainly tell how stoked I am about the transformations that have taken place in my life. How would you like to transform your life? Where are you holding yourself back? What worries you the most about transforming your life? What are the biggest obstacles to beginning your transformative journey? I really want to know because I want to help you overcome whatever inertia keeps you from living a life according to your plan, taking some risks, showing up big in the game of life. Post your responses below or send me an email at turningptcc@gmail.com.